Iman Katolik dan Kasih

crossSetelah menjadi seorang Katolik selama 28 tahun, baru sekarang tergugah hati dan pikiran. Bahwa iman yang saya yakini lahir dari sebuah kematian.

Dulu kematian di kayu salib dianggap nista, tapi sekarang dianggap agung. Ekstrim sekali peristiwa kematian nista kemudian membuahkan keagungan. Hanya satu yang dapat melakukannya, dan itu adalah kasih.

Hari Kamis Putih mengenang Yesus yang membasuh kaki para Rasul dan mengadakan Perjamuan Terakhir. Padahal Ia sudah tahu bahwa ajal-Nya hampir tiba. Lalu terpikir, tertanya, dan terjawab. Saya yang sekarang tidak akan bisa seperti itu. Kalau ajal sudah dekat, saya ingin berada dekat dengan keluarga dan orang-orang terdekat. Mungkin makan bersama, atau mengobrol bersama. Minta dukungan. Bukan malah melayani.


Hari Jumat Agung mengenang Yesus yang merelakan diri disiksa habis-habisan sampai akhirnya habis nafas-Nya. Dekat detik terakhir-Nya, Ia malah mengampuni dan mendoakan orang-orang yang habis-habisan menyiksa-Nya. Sangat menantang batas sifat manusia. Pintu maaf yang ada batasnya dan doa yang masih diutamakan untuk diri sendiri, keluarga, dan teman.

crown of thorns

Yesus selalu membicarakan kasih, bukan untung rugi. Tapi bagaimana Yesus bisa memiliki kasih sedemikian besar? Baru saya sadari, bahwa kasih bukanlah karakter Yesus, tapi pribadi Yesus sendiri. Dimana ada kasih, disitu ada Yesus. Dimana Yesus ada, disitu ada kasih.

Lalu mengapa Yesus mengajak manusia untuk mengasihi? Dan mengapa manusia butuh mengasihi?
Mungkin itulah perjalanan ziarah yang harus dilewati seorang manusia untuk menemui Allahnya. Ujung jalan yang akan diketahuinya nanti.

Perjalanan kasih menjadi hal pribadi yang dialami secara berbeda oleh tiap manusia. Tidak tergantung pada Allahnya, tapi pada manusianya.

Sekarang, momen mengenang peristiwa Paskah hampir menuju puncaknya. Momen ulang tahun iman yang lahir dari sebuah kematian. Momentum untuk mengingat kembali jalan peziarahan kita selama ini. Untuk kembali lagi berbuat dan berbuah kasih.

Selamat merayakan Paskah…


The Chosen One is not only in Harry Potter

September is here officially. And I don’t know why, when it comes to months that end with -ber (like septemBER, octoBER, etc), I always become a bit more enthusiastic and get this warm feeling . It’s like to hold a cup of tea in the middle of a freezing day. So I’d like to start it with a post that share one of my favorite valuable lesson I’ve got so far in my 25 years. This is not only my story that I would pass here, but also my brother’s.  I’ve got his permission  already – to share some of his story. So, we’re good to go. 

Men can’t name their selves at the very beginning of their lifes. But some are lucky to have a beautiful name which they like. Well, thank God I have name that I like. Karina. Actually, there was a secret hope behind my name. My parents gave me that name to wish me to become the last daughter. I have an older sister, so it makes me to be their second baby girl. Well, Kari in Javanese language means the last one going. Na are the suffix for Kari to made it become a baby girl name – Kari-na.  In another way, they wish they will have a baby boy after me.

My father really like to smoke before, until my mother can’t stand it anymore to see him wasting money for something that he would only burn. She told him to quit.  He said he would, if he had a son. He said that when I was on my mother’s womb. So when I was born, there I was named  Karina – to wish that I could be the last baby girl.

Words have power, said the wise men. So are the names. It could be my name perhaps so I did have a brother. Or it couldn’t. Only God knows. But since then, never my mom saw my dad smoking again. Never.

When my mother told that story of ‘how my dad could stop smoking’ to me, I couldn’t tell how much I proud that my father was a man who can hold his words. However, sometimes it made me wonder. Why it wasn’t me who could make him to stop smoking? Why it had to be a son to make him stop?

I usually avoid to try answering that question. Because I knew I would probably answer it in ways that hurt myself. So, I decided to just let it be like it is.

My brother, he was so lovely when he was a kid. His smile was adorable, and if there was an award for the cutest kid that time, I would dare to say that my brother would be nominated. Maybe even to win that award. Because he was super duper very berry adorable. But when he grew up, I knew he experienced bad  things in his school. I have no rights to mention the detail about what happen to him. But simply said, it was about being bullied.

At that time, no one realized that my brother was having hard time at school. I just had a nephew who were still baby, and my cousin often come to my house with his wife and his baby. So all the attention were given to my little nephew. But my brother, he never really liked to be around my cousin, his wife, and especially his baby. He even looked like that he hated the baby. All were just thinking that it was jealousy where as the youngest child, he used to be the center of attention.

I began to realize that something was going wrong with him maybe about 2 years after he started experiencing those bad things.  He acted more and more negatively each day and no more lovely gestures from him. Two years. Maybe that was too late to help him psychologically. All my family started to worry about him. But my brother was just shutting down himself. He never seemed to trust people anymore.

All my family tried to talk to him and help him. Including me, I put all my nerves every time I wanted to talk to him. Back then, my brother was easily got angry to anything and anyone. When he was angry, he would pissed every one off. So, it was very hard to talk to him. Often I got pissed too then refused to talk with him again. But I could never forgot how he once was a lovely kid. So then I tried to put all my nerves back and just get back to him.

My brother never really wanted to talk about what happen to him. I remembered there were times when I was just sitting down in his room doing nothing but only to make accompany to my brother. I forgot for how long I had to try to make him to be open with me. But one day, he finally willing to talk about that hurtful topic. About all the bad experiences he went through. And I was so sorry that my family couldn’t be there earlier for him. But I releived, that finally I could gain him back to trust someone.

By passing this story, I didn’t mean to mock my brother for being the victim of bully. Rather, he is a victor in my eyes. He’s been through hard moment, but he survived it and now achieved so much. Now, he is taking his master degree program in a public university and his professor were thinking that he had what it takes, that he was chosen to speak in the stage of international conference on nano electric research and education in Bali on 8th July 2012 ago. In that conference, he met a professor from Japan, and there’s a chance for him to continue his education there.

I didn’t mean to boast too and took all the credit for being the one that made my brother open his mouth so my family could start to help him. That is God’s mercy I think, so I could help my brother to be open to me. Maybe I wasn’t there when he had the bad times, but at least I could still be there for him after those hurtful moments. And my point is, yeah, maybe I couldn’t be the one that help my father to quit smoking. But I could be the one that help my brother.

I often wonder many things. I’ve told you before that I wondered why it wasn’t me who able to make my father stop smoking. Not just that, I also wonder why the greatest men had the best spotlight for them? Why him? Why her?  Do you know Mother Mary? My biggest question maybe something sinful. I adore Mother Mary so much, but sometimes I wonder why God chose her to become the mother of The Savior. Is it all about being ‘The Chosen One’? Chosen to do that, chosen to do this, etc.

In some point, I realized that it’s true. Yes, it is all about being ‘The Chosen One’. But, maybe the truth is: We Are All The Chosen One.

I figured out that my brother was the chosen one as His tool to bring goodness to my father, to save him from the danger of smoking. My father wanted a son for him to quit smoking. And God finally gave him my brother so he really stop that bad habit.

But, now I assume that God gave me to my parents so that I could help my brother later. I was the chosen one as His tool to bring goodness to my brother, to stay with him and help him. And the process are still going on, until now.

I believe that on this earth, there are people that only me or you who can reach them out. Either they were a friend, family, or even a mere stranger. For only me or you who can stay and bring goodness to them, God has created us ‘The Chosen One’.

I realized, not all people on earth could get the spotlight in a sparkling platform or media like famous people in this world would do. But, we have been reserved a spotlight in someone’s heart for sure.

More over, I thought God never compare how big or how grand is the assignment as ‘The Chosen One’ for each one of us. Although I couldn’t always be peaceful any time, but somehow some way – I could find peace in a fact that I also the chosen one, at least for my brother. Maybe I would be happy too if I was the chosen one for another people, or for so many people. Well, if so, I realized that God would simply created me in another way. For how God has created us, that also made us ‘The Chosen One’.

Then, maybe the biggest question is, to whom are that we become the chosen one for them? I hope that to all of you who read till this end have the answer already. If it’s not yet, may grace in this September reveal them to us. May God bless this September. (:


When a Girl Tries to Report Manchaster City Winning Match

When a girl with no sport field background tries to report a football match, I know it sounded like a kid trying to dig into Einstein’s formula.

But here I won’t share about how the match went or tried to analyze which strategy worked or didn’t. Because I had no idea about it. I happened to see some matches of football because I like to keep company with my dad, and he really like to see football match. So, one night, 2 days ago, when I saw my dad set his eyes on a football match, I sat next to him and joined him.

Then he said, “If Manchaster City won, they would become the champion of the league.”

I said, “What league? Chealsea has already won.”

Yeah, that was just to tell how much I didn’t know about football. But there’s one thing I’ve learned from that match that I wanted to share here.

The winning match of Manchaster City was the best scenario of all possible scenario about its winning: to lead first than to make mistake and almost lost, but finally to come back and win it.

When the QPR made their first goal, I almost screamed. I had already taken side to the Manchaster City since I knew that it would be their first victory again after 44 years (girls like a little bit drama, don’t they?). And the worse is how was the goal made.

For they who maybe didn’t watch it, I’d try to describe it like this:  It was a bad mistake from one of the Manchaster City’s back. He tried to head the ball to move it forward, but the ball got backward instead, and passed right to the QPR’s striker. One second later, a goal for QPR was made.

Here’s what I thought about it: that’s the worst scenario of almost winning match ever. They almost won it, but a mistake was made. That man who made a mistake was completely a wrong guy who did wrong in a wrong situation. I even pitied him that he could be a public enemy.

Later, the second goal was made. I thought, there’s no chance Manchaster City would win. So I went to sleep.

When I woke up and found out that Manchaster City turned out to be the winner, I was surprised, stunned, amazed, happy, it was something indescribable feeling in a positive way.

Because, not only it turned from the worst to be the best scenario of a wining match, they also got the recognition as the winner from many of the Manchaster United’s supporters who previously wouldn’t recognize them.

So, the point that I’ve got here is: If I wanted the best scenario to ever happened to me, I would have to prepare to have the worst scenario first.

Just when I had my worst situation, there I had the chance to get through it and turned it to be the best situation ever.

So, I think, when we’re in the middle of a bad situation that things seem can’t be worse anymore,  let’s get through it, and be prepare for the best. Because the worst is the recipe to be the best.

I imagine if Manchaster City would won by 1 – 0 to QPR and never experienced the almost lost incident, maybe it would be just like another winning champion match. There will be tears and laughs when they lifted up the trophy, but not exagerratedly like yesterday. There will be excitement roar from their supporters, but not super gloriously like yesterday. And most importantly,there won’t be a true recognition from the MU’s and other team supporters like yesterday.

But when I think about it again, I wonder was it just luck that brought the Manchaster City to become the winner? Well, I then came up with this thinking:

The worse of the worst: Manchaster City didn’t win at all after having the chance to win. They finally lost.

The better of the best: They come back again, no matter how many years after that, and bring the trophy home.

So, if it’s not the best ending, it could be possibly not the ending.

Tonight, when I worried about all my problems and start to get depressed, I try to think of it as my worst scenario. And that’s a good start to have my best scenario.

This is probably how God wants to teach me about how to compose myself:  by showing me an amazing match of Manchaster City vs QPR. Funny, but I got it.


My hardest lesson to learn is to love myself

This post would be sharing my conversation today with my boyfriend who is oversea. From afar, he taught me something that is very important. Something I know the importance but ignore it, until now. I learn to love myself, to respect myself, and to be easy on myself. Believe it or not, that could the hardest lesson I’ve learned. I want to share it because maybe there are a lot who be in my position: hating own self. That was a terrible place to be. And I thank God there’s him to help me. Well, hopefully this share could help too for someone who’s been in my position, to somehow find the light.

I didn’t notice for how long, but last night until tonight, I was intensely angry to myself. I was upset to someone which is I, myself; because she couldn’t keep up with what I want her to. She kept failing to fulfill things I want her to fulfill. Maybe that was the worst feeling ever. I wouldn’t let myself went to sleep until everything in today’ to do list was completed. Even when it took me till later than 2 AM. Then every time I was alone, I would be hyperventilated, became hysterical, and mocking myself. I even refused to look at the mirror because I was very angry to someone I looked at.

But tonight, I was reminded to forgive myself and to love me. He told me that somehow, perfectionist is something against love. To put high standard on someone else and to own self; and be hard when the standard was failed to be achieved is already against the second greatest commandment in the gospel, Matthew 22:39 – “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Yeah, the biggest point on those words is to love own self wholeheartedly. Only then someone could love his neighbor wholeheartedly.

I learned something that may be weird to hear: To fulfill high standard or fail to do it will not change how God loves us. When I succeed to meet the high standard, God loves me. But when I fail to keep up with it, God loves me still. We, the imperfect human, will be easy on our children if they were learning to walk but keep falling. What we will say truly would be like this: “It’s ok, just rise and try it once again.” We wouldn’t be saying to them: “You stupid. I’ve told you, you would never make it.

If the imperfect human being like us could be easy on our children, more over is our perfect Father to us, His beloved children. He would say, “That’s okay to fail. I still love you. Just rise and try it again.”

Yeah, just rise and try it again! We still have tomorrow. We still could try again what we failed today. Just like one of James Bond movies: Tomorrow Never Dies.

To start love myself, he made me learn to say these words to me.

“Karina, it is ok to make mistake. I know you are better than this. You can do it! Hehehehe..” (I felt weird to say hehehehe to myself, but that part is also important: it is about me telling myself that I’m not angry with me again. When I said it the first time, I felt awkward. The second time, well,, yeah a little bit better. The third, fourth, and so on, somehow that felt like a burden started to be removed from my shoulder and my chest.

Doing it repeatedly might be looked like a fool, but I know it will grow love toward my own self.  I start to reconcile with me. He warned me that in more days, as my love toward myself grow, I will be easier to someone else who couldn’t do things in my expectation. Then I start to reconcile with others.

I then remembered one of Bo Sanchez’s video in The Feast. He said, “Someone is hard to someone else because he is hard to himself.” And he told that the BIG message is: “Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

When I heard that message, I instantly confront it with the classic wise men’s life principle: “If you hard on yourself, the world will soft to you. But if you soft on yourself, they will be hard to you.”

Today, I learned that it is the world’s saying. It is not totally wrong, because we should have to have the high standard if we want to succeed. But, the point is: Don’t condemn yourself when you can’t fulfill it. That is written on the bible. Romans 8:1, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Jesus Christ.”

Well, if God would not condemn me when I fail, why should I condemn myself?  I realized now all I have to do is to encourage myself, rise, and try again! When I condemn myself and force me to do better, I may be succeeding, but there will be emptiness inside. That was not an effective way to purpose driven life, to true success and happiness. That was like old-fashioned educational method, where a child will be hit or beaten if they couldn’t perform as expected. Nowadays, that would be called child abuse. The more proven effective way right now is by encouraging them to rise and try it again, again, and again.

People have been loud and aggressive when it comes to fight child abuse. Now, it‘s time to be loud and aggressive to fight self abuse. Don’t be too hard on ourselves. It’s not easy to love ourselves, but we worth it.

So, let’s start to enjoy ourselves.. After all, I realize that’s one of the greatest gifts from God for each one of us: our own selves.

PS. Thank you for Ambrosius Pin Pin, you inspire this post.


Mengapa doa Malaikat Tuhan diganti menjadi doa Ratu Surga pada Masa Paskah?

Post ini mengutip dari sebuah mingguan Katolik, yaitu Majalah Hidup Edisi 18 Tahun ke-66 29 April 2012 halaman 13 fitur Konsultasi Iman .

Ketika Masa Paskah, mama saya mengingatkan untuk mengganti doa Malaikat Tuhan dengan doa Ratu Surga. Saya agak bingung dengan perubahan tersebut. Namun kemudian saya menemukan jawabannya pada majalah Hidup yang telah disebut di atas.

Mengapa doa Malaikat Tuhan diganti dengan doa Ratu Surga selama Masa Paskah? Dari mana berasal? Sejak kapan hal itu dilakukan? Apa hubungan antara kebangkitan dan Maria sebagai Ratu Surga?’

Ester Kurdianto, Rembang

Pertanyaannya dijawab oleh Dr. Petrus Maria Handoko, CM.

Pertama, perubahan dari doa Malaikat Tuhan (Latin: Angelus) ke doa Ratu Surga (Latin: Regina Coeli) dilakukan karena kesesuaian tema. Doa Malaikat Tuhan merujuk pada misteri Inkarnasi, yaitu ketika “Sabda menjadi manusia dan tinggal di antara kita” sedangkan doa Ratu Surga merujuk pada misteri Paskah, yaitu pemenuhan dari misteri Inkarnasi. Doa Ratu Surga itu sendiri menunjukkan: “Ia yang sudah kau kandung telah bangkit seperti disabdakan-Nya.”

Maka, sudah sepantasnya jika doa Ratu Surga mengambil alih tempat doa Angelus. Doa Ratu Surga melanjutkan sukacita dan kegembiraan kebangkitan dan sekali lagi meneguhkan fakta bahwa Kristus sungguh telah bangkit. Doa ini juga mengungkapkan suatu permohonan kepada Allah Bapa, agar bersama Maria kita dimampukan untuk menikmati sukacita dan kegembiraan kebangkitan Yesus Kristus.

Kedua, perubahan ini terjadi pada tahun 1742, yaitu ketika Paus Benediktus XIV menetapkan bahwa selama Masa Paskah mulai dari hari Raya Paskah sampai dengan Hari Raya Pentakosta, doa Ratu Surga harus didaraskan sebagai ganti doa Angelus. Ada beberapa nada yang mengubah doa Ratu Surga menjadi nyanyian yang sangat indah.

Ketiga, usia doa Ratu Surga sudah sangat tua. Sulit untuk menentukan siapa pengarang doa ini dan dari mana doa ini berasal. Menurut catatan, doa Ratu Surga sudah ada sejak abad XII. Teks musik tertua disimpan di Vatikan, yaitu sebuah manuskrip dari 1171. Sekitar tahun 1200, doa Ratu Surga muncul dalam manuskirp nyanyian tradisional Romawi kuno. Jadi, bukti-bukti historis menunjukkan bahwa doa Ratu Surga sudah ada dalam khazanah kekayaan Gereja sejak waktu yang cukup lama.

Keempat, kebangkitan Kristus menunjukkan kemenangan dan kejayaan Kristus atas kuasa dosa dan kematian. Kejayaan Kristus mengikutsertakan semua orang yang percaya kepada-Nya. Mereka akan “duduk di atas dua belas takhta untuk menghakimi kedua belas suku Israel” (Mat 19:28), malah “menghakimi dunia dan malaikat” (1Kor 6:2-3). Mereka memerintah bersama Kristus, seperti dikatakan dalam sebuah kidung tua yang dikutpi 2 Tim 2:12. Karena Maria yang paling unggul di antara semua murid Tuhan, maka secara unggul pula dia diikutsertakan dalam kemenangan Kristus. Itulah artinya gelar “Ratu Surga”. Maria sebagai ibu Yesus Kristus, ikut serta memerintah bersama dengan Kristus di surga. Gelr ini menyatakan kedekatan Maria dengan Kristus yang luar biasa baik di dunia ini, maupun juga di Surga. Maria unggul di antara para kudus (bdk Pus XII, Ad Caeli Reginam, DS 3913-3917).

Gelar sebagai “Ratu Surga” tidak hendak menyatakan Maria sebagai saingan Allah dengan kekuasaan surgawi-Nya. Maria dinyatakan sebagai Ratu justru karena kerendahan hatinya yang menyerahkan seluruh hidupnya untuk melakukan kehendak Allah. Allah sungguh merajai seluruh diri Maria.

Kelima, seperti dikatakan di atas, doa Ratu Surga sudah ditetapkan berlaku untuk seluruh Gereja pada 1742, jauh sebelum pernyataan dogmatis tentang Maria diangkat ke surga pada 1950 oleh Paus Pius XII. Memang pengauan akan Maria sebagai Ratu Surga sudah ada sejak lama dalam Gereja. Dogma Maria diangkat ke surga sebenarnya hanya mengeksplisitkan kepercayaan Gereja yang sudah lama diungkapkan dalam praktik iman. Pernyataan dogmatis Gereja itu tidak mengubah kenyataan, tetapi hanya mengungkapkan secara resmi ajaran tentang Maria sebagai bagian dari iman yang diwahyukan, karena itu harus dipercayai. Jadi, fakta pengangkatan Maria ke surga sudah terjadi lama sebelum pernyataan dogmatisnya pada 1950.

Doa Ratu Surga mengingatkan kita akan apa yang terjadi pada Bunda kita. Itulah harapan nyata yang juga akan terjadi pada kta yang percaya kepada Putera-Nya.

Ini adalah doa Malaikat Tuhan dan doa Ratu Surga.

Doa Malaikat Tuhan (Puji Syukur no. 15)

Maria diberi kabar oleh malaikat Tuhan, bahwa ia akan mengandung dari Roh Kudus.

Salam Maria…

Aku ini hamba Tuhan, terjadilah padaku menurut perkataanmu.

Salam Maria…

Sabda sudah menjadi manusia, dan tinggal di antara kita

Salam Maria…

Doakanlah kami ya Santa Bunda Allah, supaya kami dapat menikmati janji Kristus.

Marilah berdoa (hening) Ya Allah, karena kabar malaikat kami mengetahui bahwa Yesus Kristus Putera-Mu menjadi manusia; curahkanlah rahmat-Mu ke dalam hati kami, supaya karena sengsara dan salib-Nya, kami dibawa kepada kebangkitan yang mulia. Sebab Dialah Tuhan, pengantara kami (Amin.)

Doa Ratu Surga (Puji Syukur no. 16)

Ratu Surga bersukacitalah, alleluya,

Sebab Ia yang sudi kaukandung, alleluya,

Telah bangkit seperti disabdakan-Nya, alleluya!

Doakanlah kami pada Allah, alleluya!

Bersukacitalah dan bergembiralah, Perawan Maria, alleluya,

Sebab Tuhan sungguh telah bangkit, alleluya!

Marilah berdoa (hening)Ya Allah, Engkau telah menggembirakan dunia dngan kebangkitan Putra-Mu, Tuhan kami Yesus Kristus. Kami mohon: Perkenankanlah kami bersukacita dalam kehidupan kekal bersama bunda-Nya, Perawan Maria. Demi Kristus, pengantara kami. (Amin.)

Doa ini diucapkan pada pagi (pukul 06.00), siang (12.00), dan petang (18.00). Doa Malaikat Tuhan didoakan di luar Masa Paskah, doa Ratu Surga didoakan dalam Masa Paskah.